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Infertility – A Silent Struggle

You would be hard-pressed to find someone out there who isn’t “Pro-Mom.” After all, the birth mothers, adoptive mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers and countless other women who share in our lives and love us are well-deserving of great praise. But for some, the idea of “mom” can be a very painful one. When women struggle with infertility, miscarriage or with a previous abortion decision, the very word “mom” can stir feelings of dread, loss and pain.

The Far-Reaching Effects of Infertility
Infertility affects 1 in 8 women (or couples). The causes of infertility are complicated and at times difficult to diagnose. Meanwhile, many well-intentioned friends or family members may inquire “When are you going to start a family?” or “Your child needs a sibling, when are you going to have another baby?” as most couples struggle in silence. There are many hidden emotions for women struggling to conceive including self-esteem issues, stress, and depression. Most women feel as if they are alone and without anyone to talk to about their struggles.

Loss of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem issues for both men and women experiencing infertility are very common. They feel betrayed by their bodies, and may at times feel shame they are not able to fulfill the natural process of conceiving a child and giving birth. Treatment solutions range from minor interventions (medication) to major procedures (IVF, surgery, etc) depending upon the diagnosis for both parties (male factor, female factor, both). Some treatments can be very costly and this may add to the stressful burden they may already be experiencing.

Build-Up of Stress
Stress is frequently felt by both the man and woman experiencing infertility. Along with everyday stress from work and life in general, they often struggle with dreams of family and whether it will come to fruition. The cost or availability of treatment options, along with the cost of the initial diagnosis work up, also may play a large part in stress. Every day experiences of seeing pregnant women and babies, being invited to baby showers or gender reveal parties, and even the announcement of a new pregnancy within their family or circle of friends can add to the stress of a woman or man not knowing if their dreams of a family will ever come true.

Beware of Depressions
Lastly, depression is a frequent complaint of those struggling to conceive. With each failed attempt or treatment to become or remain pregnant, it becomes more difficult to maintain a positive outlook on the situation. It is important for couples to share their feelings with others who care about them, or join a support group with people in a similar situation. Isolation and feeling alone in your struggle to achieve a family can be crippling, and it is imperative you have a support system in place to help you through this difficult journey.

Feeling the Loss through Infertility, Miscarriage or Abortion
We should also mention that many women who have undergone an abortion often experience similar stresses, emotions and depression as those who have either lost a child through miscarriage or deal with infertility. While the circumstances are varied, the emotional toil is similar, and should not be ignored.

Whether you are struggling with miscarriage, a previous abortion decision, or the loss of never having a child, we are here to help you. We have a support program called Awakenings that deals specifically with infant loss for any reason. Here you will find one-on-one sessions and supportive small group classes that can lead to healing.  You don’t have to go through your feelings of loss alone!

 

On Becoming a Grandparent – An Extension of Our Life and Influence

Pregnancy does not just affect the individual female and male involved – it also affects the parents of those individuals. Parents hold a unique position in the lives of their children, no matter how young or old that child is. One father/doctor offers a beautiful perspective of the special opportunity being a grandparent is.


This past March a very significant and joyful event happened in our family. My oldest daughter had a beautiful baby girl. I found out that this baby was coming by accident before I was supposed to know about it. I kept this knowledge a secret until my daughter announced her pregnancy to the family. This was difficult because I normally don’t keep significant secrets from my wife. It was interesting to be on the “other side” of this experience. I am involved in the birth of babies on a daily basis, but I never had an experience like this. Waiting in the family waiting room for my daughter to give birth was driving me crazy; I was so worried about her and the baby and worried they would have a complication. It gave me a greater empathy for the families of my patients. Even though I knew she was in good hands, the relief I felt when she finally delivered and I knew everyone was ok was immense. Seeing my granddaughter for the first time took me back 27 years to St John’s Medical Center when I witnessed the birth of my own daughter – my granddaughter is practically a clone of my daughter and it is difficult to distinguish between their baby pictures. Her smile and laugh is the same as my daughters was. She is truly a bundle of joy.

To me, having grandchildren is an extension of my own life. Our time on this earth is limited . . . but our descendants carry our lives forward when we are gone. Part of my father is in me and part of both he and I are in my daughter and granddaughter. I am happy that God created the world this way.

As grandparents I think it is important to share our values with our children and grandchildren. They live in a different world than we grew up in and our love and empathy mean so much to them.

I have always been perplexed when parents encourage their children to end a pregnancy.
To me, that would seem like destroying a part of myself.

I frequently meet patients that have never formed an opinion about abortion until they were facing it as an option – this is tragic! As grandparents, we should discuss these things with our descendants. Being a grandparent is a life changing event and we should let our loved ones know this.


The influence you have on your children is stronger than you could ever imagine. You offer a unique view that no one else can.

Is your child facing a tough decision regarding their future? We have resources that you can pass along as well as take advantage of yourself. Let us help you as you help them.  Come in and talk to us. We have people on site who can relate to you because they have been in your shoes . . . and those who can relate to your pregnant loved one because they have been in those shoes! You just might find some hope and answers for all involved!

 

The Unexpected . . . Becoming a Grandma Despite My Carefully Laid-Out Plans

This story is short, but has a sweet ending.

When an unplanned pregnancy happens, it doesn’t simply affect the mom and dad. Parents who are unexpectedly looking at becoming grandparents often have to deal with thoughts, emotions and plans that they feel unprepared for.

This is the short story of one such lady who had to process this new reality for her life. Here, she shares the thoughts she struggled with, and the resolution she arrived at.

If you find yourself dealing with the unplanned for your family, we hope that you find encouragement in her story!


As a mom I had plans for my children – and the order went something like this:
go to college, get a job, get married and then have our grandbabies!

And it almost happened that way!

However, 4 months before my youngest graduated college and got married, they came to us to tell us we were going to be grandparents.  I had such mixed emotions at that point – joy, worry, shame.  I was so excited to think I would be a Grandma . . . but at the same time my pride was saying things like,

“What will everyone say and think?”
“Will they judge us?” 
“They aren’t married, they haven’t’ finished school, they don’t have jobs!”

Then a sweet friend of mine reminded me that this baby is our grandchild and when that baby arrives no one will remember anything else except what a blessing and joy they are! 

And that is when I decided to embrace the joy of being a grandparent no matter what the circumstances were how that happened – I am going to be a grandma and this grandbaby is the beginning of our growing family!


Did you know that Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) isn’t there solely for the mom facing an unplanned pregnancy? We offer help for dads . . . and even grandparents as they process this new change to their plans.

Need someone to talk to that can offer some encouragement? We’re here. Just schedule an appointment and we would be glad to spend some time working through the emotions of the unplanned. You just might leave excitedly looking forward to your future!

Crazy Chaos and Fierce Love – A Mom’s Life

The love of a Mom. Nothing is more fierce, and nothing more exhausting!

As we look ahead to Mother’s Day, we wanted to hear from a mom who had plenty of experience at this “toughest job you’ll ever love.” Humorous, honest and helpful . . . her words can give hope and encouragement to other mother’s out there – whether their “baby” is in college, or yet to be born!


A crazy life
Can I PLEASE just get five minutes of PEACE?!” Hmmm… I wonder how many times I’ve thought this to myself since becoming a mom. But I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

My husband and I had five baby girls in under eight years. So we knew we were signing up for a crazy world. As we get ready to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary, it is amazing to look back on the whole whirlwind. Our lives changed forever the moment we saw that first positive pregnancy test. I instantly felt I was needed like I’ve never felt needed before. I guess that was my very first experience as a mom. And so it went from there.

We began talking about having kids right when we started dating. Having been friends for three years already, we knew each other well, had a pretty good sense we were headed for marriage, and definitely shared a love of babies. I’d always loved kids and spent a lot of time babysitting, nannying, working daycare, and eventually, teaching preschool and elementary ages. Despite all my experience, and even though we desperately wanted a family, becoming first-time parents was HARD! That 6 lb, 3 oz little peanut rocked our world.

Finding support, community, and balance
New Daddy and I were the first of our close friends and siblings to have kids, and we were living long distance from all the grandparents. It took a while to find the day-to-day sanity support we really needed. As time went on and our family grew, I became better and better at reaching out to other moms. This made all the difference in the world for me, especially being at home full time. I learned there are so many universal mom experiences, and I learned to laugh at these kid “truths.” For example, three year olds try your patience hands-down like nobody else. Five year olds say hilarious things. And, well, thirteen year old girls are totally nuts. Years later I still get a unique kind of reassurance from my friendships with other moms. It’s made me realize even the most fiercely independent people need to lean on others.

Any parent can tell you having kids is a challenging, exhausting, and humbling job.
But for every challenge, there is something amazing and wonderful to balance it.

That first eyes-locked sweet smile from your baby far outweighs your sleep deprivation. Those priceless quotes far outweigh any potty-training battle. And the excitement of starting high school far outweighs the frustration with your teenager’s heaps of dirty laundry.

A stronger marriage
It also goes without saying that parenting puts a new kind of stress on a marriage. My sweet husband and I have faced a lot – the heartbreak of a miscarriage, medical issues we never expected, anxiety I had to learn how to manage, financial puzzles to solve, and a house literally falling apart. But God helped us through and continues to guide the way. We are stronger as a couple. Period.

Treasure found and joy to come
Sometimes I’m relieved the years with so many little ones are over, but most days I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. The ride continues and these days we’re having a blast with road trips, college visits, an abundance of sports, and watching these teen/tween sisters become closer and closer – even in the midst of fights and drama. What a gift they will always be to each other. I know my own sister is my life! It’s fun to think about our family continuing to evolve and have new adventures, like moving each of the girls into a dorm over the next ten years. With all the “firsts” that lie ahead, I guess I’ll always feel like a new mom in some way. Wow – how did MY mom do it? Raising me definitely wasn’t a cake walk!


Here at Two Lines Pregnancy Clinic (formerly Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center), we are here to help with the unplanned.

But we are also here to provide support when you do plan and life still gets harder than you planned. Finding support in the hard times of life is crucial! We can help you find the love, support, and community you desperately need, whether you feel prepared for life or not.

Set up an appointment today and we will get you plugged in to a community of support that will last a lifetime!

Worth It In the End – A Story of Learning

This woman has willingly giving us permission to share her story so that others can realize there is hope in the midst of a difficult situation. All client experiences with Two Lines Pregnancy Clinic (formerly Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center) are kept with the highest confidence. The stories that are shared come from the real-life experiences that our clients, staff and volunteers had during their unplanned pregnancy.

Her name has been removed but her story is true.


Feelings of inadequacy
I was a reluctant first-time mother to say the least.  I had always thought I wouldn’t have any children.  However, one month that dreaded question arose – could I be pregnant?   The test came back negative, but I detected disappointment in my husband’s eyes.  Maybe he wasn’t all in with my decision not to have kids after all.  It was time to reassess. 

Two years later baby girl #1 arrived.  Three years after that we welcomed baby girl #2.  The problem:  I had absolutely no confidence in my abilities as a mother.  I had never felt that strong urge to have babies.  I was a thinker, not a feeler.  My relational skills were less than stellar.  I loved my work, but was convicted that I should be at home to raise my girls.  My world had been ROCKED! 

Lessons learned
Baby girl #1 is now 27, married, an MBA student and future President (I don’t yet know whether that will be corporate or our nation).  Baby girl #2 is 24, engaged, working on her masters degree in counseling, and loves people who are hurting.  Do I sound like a proud mama?  That’s because I am!  I love my girls, their guys, and being a part of our growing family.

I love this life that I never thought I wanted. 

And I’ve learned a few things along the way. 

 *  I couldn’t do it by myself.
I needed my husband, my mother, friends, and family to give me the encouragement and confidence that I needed.  Most of all, I needed my faith to stay grounded and to draw strength from.  That spiritual fruit is valuable stuff! 

*  Being a full-time mama of toddlers is harder than I ever imagined! 
In that context, “full-time” truly means 24/7.  Sometimes mama NEEDS a break!

*  There is a calm in the storm that comes between preschool and adolescence. 
Enjoy those very-short years.  They won’t last long.

*  Teenagers are fun!  Teenagers are challenging!
Teenagers can make you laugh and cry . . . at the same time.  Teenagers need mama every bit as much as preschoolers do, they just don’t think they do. 

*  The job of mama never ends.
My adult children will always be my children and will always need me.  It just looks VERY different. 

When I look back over my past almost 30-year journey of motherhood, I know now that I would do it all again.  I often wish I had known then what I know now, but that wasn’t God’s plan.  Instead I had to rely on faith to get me through, day by day.

Perhaps God planned it that way all along!


Stepping into the unknown of parenthood can be scary. The good news is that it is a step that is worth it in the end! If you are unsure how to face that scary phase of life, we can help. Let us take that step with you as you move into the unknown but worth-it future!

And it’s important to know that you don’t have to do this alone! Even if you don’t have close friends or family in the area, we’re here to meet that need for you, every step of the way. Check out all of these ways for you to be connected, supported and educated:

Journeys Pregnancy Education
Pathway’s Dad’s Support Class
Bridges Parenting Support Class

Feel free to come visit with us and get to know us and all we have to offer you. Before you know it, you could be like the lady in the story above . . . loving your life that you were unsure about at the beginning!

Which Lives Matter? {Part 2}

The following is a continuation of the thoughts on life that were shared with us by a physician. (See previous blog) Through both his professional and his personal life, he has a unique view of life.

In a day where we talk much about lives mattering, his words should shake us to our core. Do ALL lives truly matter to us?


My experience in training
While in my medical training as a resident in pathology, we were required to examine  everything that came out of the operating room. This included breast biopsies or mastectomies, brain biopsies, colectomies, thoracotomies and even little tiny babies. Every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, tiny little babies were sent down to the lab not from labor and delivery, where they should have been, but from the abortionist’s suite on the 4th floor. They were not wrapped in little pink or blue blankets but rather in plastic buckets filled with their own blood and formalin. They were in multiple torn pieces: an arm, a leg, a spinal cord, internal organs like livers and spleens each torn asunder, separated and divided violently by the abortionists tools of torture and death. They died a silent death with no one to protect them. They screamed but no one listened – or cared, for that matter. They were torn asunder and no one paid attention or gave their death a  thought. And there I was, as a part of my residency, documenting their suffering and death. I would record and measure a femur at 2 cm or a skull that had a circumference of 3 cm when the pieces were reconstructed, and on and on it went Tuesday and Thursday, week after week, for four years. Each week the dread would start in on Monday morning because I knew what would come on Tuesday afternoon. First I tried to get out of the service, but then realized that one of my colleagues would just have to do the work. Then I sought to stop the procedures from being performed but quickly found out how powerless I was against departmental and hospital policies and the large amount of revenue tied to these procedures. Finally I resolved in my heart and brain to carefully and respectfully go about my work seeking to impart whatever dignity I possibly could to this now lost little life created by God, our Father in His very own image. Maybe by gently and respectfully cradling this little body, whose life was so violently ended, there could be some good, some redemption, some blessing knowing that this life may well already be with her loving Father in heaven.

At times I  must admit I felt like a United Nations peace observer in a massacre site; unable to do anything constructive to prevent death, I was left to only observe the horror and take down the victims names. I was simply a witness to their unspeakable suffering and dark, lonely death. If these acts had been done to these babies after birth, the perpetrators would have been  arrested and tried for murder. But, in the twisted logic of our current legal construct, this death was not murder at all but rather the result of some vague “right” of the mother. These memories  haunt me still; little ones torn asunder with no defender and no protector; alone in silence their screams unheeded and unheard. These little ones inside their mothers are uniquely vulnerable. They cannot protect themselves and are completely reliant  on their mothers for all things. This should be the safest place on earth, but it is not. Western culture has decided instead that it is a woman’s right to end her child’s life if it conflicts with her life. It was Mother Theresa who said famously “[I]t is a great poverty that in order for one to live life as they wish another must die”. 

In the end, I really did nothing, nothing at all to help them, to protect them, to comfort them or even hear them. I simply held them, measured them and cried silently, as a witness to their suffering. I am so very sorry for this. I have often thought in the intervening years of the quote that has been attributed to Edmund Burke: “All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” I am afraid that, in the end for these precious little babies, I did perhaps only the slightest bit more than nothing.  

Discovering help and hope
But the story does not end here, thank God. In these few last few years, my wife and I, as well as our family, have become acquainted with some real everyday heroes in a story badly in need of heroes. Real heroes are those among us who are just like us, but they step up and do the right thing even when it hurts and is inconvenient or painful – when it requires sacrifice. You see, thankfully God did not leave me alone in my sadness and failure to act. He has opened my eyes and “put a new song in my heart.” (Psalm 40:3).  A few years ago a dear friend introduced us to the Two Lines Pregnancy Clinic (formerly Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center). Here for the first time I saw the healing love of Jesus in humble service to pregnant ladies who neither planned for or wanted a pregnancy. At Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid), Ruth and her team of servants love and care for ladies (and men) who are at this challenging and fearful juncture in their lives. They unconditionally love, listen to, and support each woman’s decision. These are the real heroes in my eyes, for they are not accepting this evil, but stepping into the breach on behalf of these frightened moms and helpless, defenseless little ones. But let me say that there are even more heroes – the mommies and daddies who reject the narrative that they have no choice, no option but to abort their baby. They choose life over death, and hope over fear. I have seen with my own eyes these beautiful little ones growing up strong and vibrant and healthy under the care of these courageous mommies and daddies. Some of these children are raised by their biological mom and/or dad, others are raised by  adoptive parents. Regardless, each precious child is given the opportunity to live, run, jump, and play. They may be the future doctors who care for us, the teachers of our children or grandchildren, the policemen who protect us, or friends who visit us. So you see, God did not leave me alone in my failure and grief from so many years ago. He has saved me to Himself and, in the process, restored my hope in the beauty of courage and life itself.

The truth
So as we continue this debate in our culture, let us be clear about a few things. Abortion is not “safe.” It is a deep, deep evil leaving one precious little life violently ended and another, her mother, deeply wounded. Abortion is also not rare with 1.1 million lives violently ended each year. Let us declare loudly and freely that every life matters!

Each life is uniquely valuable not because of what they do or accomplish but because they are uniquely created by God in His image. Each life is also a unique image bearer of God Himself and when a tiny one perishes, a tiny part of that image goes away along with that life. It was Mother Theresa again who said, “Saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers.” We cannot have too many flowers, neither can we have too many children, for each bears the very image and joy of God. The psalmist said, “Behold children are a gift of the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior so are the children of ones youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” (Psalm 127:3-5) Where does value come from? Our value comes from God himself. We each have unique value because He, our loving Father, has given that to us.   

The choice is yours
Each of us has a choice to make today. Will we stand with life and its God-given, God-ordained value or will we choose death? The choice is as simple as that; it is not complicated. (In our culture we may argue over rights; in the United States we talk all the time about rights – the right to work, the right to speak, the right to bear arms, etc. We also speak about the right to life, or the right to our bodies. What exactly does the right to life entail? Do we or do we not have a unique right to life?) For this moment, we must simply choose life or death. Joshua, at the end of his life on earth put it this way: “Choose today whom you will serve…But as for me and my house we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15) The choice is ours today – let us not shrink back in fear or intimidation, rather let us step into the battle for life and its defense. In choosing life over death, we not only declare that all lives matter – we equally declare that every life is indeed a unique creation of God that declares His glory. Amen.

Note: Since 1973, approximately  54 million unborn children have lost their lives through abortion in America. One organization in particular (which resides directly across the parking lot from Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) Overland Park), has led the way (approximately 1/3rd) with tax payer support. 


We would all say loudly, “All lives matter.” And we believe it. But do we act on it?

The doctor who wrote this has been intimately, profoundly impacted forever by the violence and horror of abortion. He has taken than experience and turned it into action, become the hands and feet of Jesus to the men, woman and babies who need it most.

What about you? Is there something you could do to back up your claims of all lives mattering?  Perhaps its a donation to help keep the doors open. Perhaps its volunteering in one of the many positions that Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) needs filled. Perhaps its in committing to pray daily for the men and women who are working to reach the hurting among us.

How can you show that all lives –
even those of the unborn and
their frightened, hurting mothers
(and sometimes fathers) –
really, truly matter?