Category: Stories

My Pain

Once again, I found myself crying in the middle of my small group meeting. Surrounded by all of the things that were supposed to help: loving and supportive friends that know God, studying life from a Biblical perspective, a warm and safe home, food to eat and the security of a loving spouse – they all sat in my lap. Food, shelter and clothing were there. I was doing the work – connecting, growing and longing with fervor to serve God with my story. But something was missing.

Reduced to tears in a sadness that made little sense, faithful friends encouraged me by praying, meeting with me to help explore my issues and offering any help that I could name. I couldn’t name the problem, therefore, they would not be able to help.

I was able to name the symptoms. I felt alone. I was sad for no apparent reason. I trusted few. I felt worth little. I knew that God had spoken into my life, but I just couldn’t find the mustard-seed faith to believe Him. In my mind, I was too flawed to become what God had said I already was! I felt like an undeserving unbeliever hiding within the church. I hoped that my presence in church-related activities would make me ok.

It hadn’t made me ok and I knew it. What I did not know was how to stop trying and get beyond it. I had attributed the pain to the significant troubles of my childhood and adolescence.

I knew no other place to place the blame. But God knew… and He knew just how to wake me up to it.

Return with me to that small group meeting. At the end of each meeting we offer to pray for one another. The request was coming that was going to direct me to my help. A friend, quiet in nature and strong in resolve, mentioned her need: abortion was a part of her story and she wanted prayer over an upcoming ministry opportunity.

My feelings were stirred. She was stoic and strong in faith, gentle and loving in heart. She cared more about others than herself. She self-protected little and offered much. She knew who she was in Christ. I wanted to know more because I wanted what she had. Her request had instantly removed my perception of isolation.

I quietly planned to contact her just by a short email. I was intrigued but not sure. I was interested but not invested. Her reply came quickly and at length. She had found healing for her abortion through a ministry I had not heard of. She gave me the web address. My next step was clear.

The List

It was the list that got me. I typed in the web address and found what I needed: that list! The list of so many of the things that were going on in my heart and life – things that had been there for so long I had grown weary of considering them. I had grown so weary, in fact, that I had fallen asleep. Virtually all of the miserable manifestations of my life were displayed on screen for me to read. In fact I had varying levels of all but a handful of them. Pinpointed to the point of embarrassment, my core issue had nothing left to hide behind.

Could my abortion from over three decades ago be the reason I felt so sad? So alone and impossible? The depression, the drinking, the low self-esteem? I could not afford to ignore the possibility that my abortion, silently swept under so many rugs of disguise, was the poisoning core of my pain.

My abortion had been fairly easy to sweep aside and ignore. No one in my life was talking about it so why would I bring it up? I didn’t want to face the pro-lifers in my circle and I definitely didn’t want to face the pro-choice advocates that would possibly accuse me of stripping them of their rights should I tarnish the option of abortion. I was torn. I knew it was a bad decision that had been hidden because it was a shame to my history. I felt ashamed in ways I hadn’t been able to recognize yet. Until that moment and until that list popped up on my screen. Everything was about to get roused!

A Place of Grace

I had needed a place of grace, a grace-space, to revisit this decades-old tragedy. The answer was sitting in front of me on a screen. God’s answer for me, His method of waking up my soul to its real wound, was uncovered. Awakenings was coming.

I had powerful defenses against attending a group meeting or study centered around abortion. Those defenses were birthed from my denial of what was a very real part of my history and life. I just didn’t want to face them because I didn’t see the need in the past. But now that the need had become glaringly apparent, I had little choice in the matter. Ignoring the possible key to being free would leave me locked and cold in a prison that I would be choosing to remain in. I had to take the risk. I had to at least try the study.

God knew my potential for resistance. Distance was a big one. I needed the study to be close enough that it felt convenient or I would not stay committed. At first it seemed it wasn’t going to work for me because the meetings were going to be a 45 minute drive from my home and held in the evenings. For me, those reasons were enough to decline. Then one day at work I got an unexpected text from the study coordinator saying that she had found a meeting that might be closer to me. It was located at Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) in Shawnee.

My ability to deny was dissolved. God had directed her to text me about the exact study I needed within two miles of my home.

Resistance number two: timing. I was working full time in a school and would only be able to attend meetings after school hours. The group that was meeting at Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) in Shawnee would meet earlier in the day. I began to doubt that this was actually what God would want me to do. After all, I reasoned, if it wasn’t working out with my work schedule it couldn’t be from Him. I was sure that He had placed me in my job and thought that any interference to that job couldn’t be what He would lead me to. However, after some discussion with the group leaders we were able to agree on a meeting time that would work with both my workplace and the other ladies in the study! God’s faithfulness prevailed!

The list was the missing piece to my puzzling emotional and spiritual life, but the bright morning star is what illuminated my darkness and gave light to my eyes.

God was not going to let me stay asleep. It was time to go… it was time to come to allow Him to heal. He used the Awakenings ministry at Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) to bring light to my eyes and stir me from the slumber of sadness that had overtaken me for so long.

“…Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

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The reasons for infant loss recovery are as many and varied as the number of women who need this healing.

No matter what your past, no matter what your story, you can find with us acceptance . . . healing . . . hope for your future.

Don’t struggle alone. There is no judgment here, only love and a place to begin your journey toward peace.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the romantics of America have begun thinking ahead to the special day and deciding how to spoil their loved ones. It’s easy for a fast-paced culture that requires immediacy in everything to have the same expectations when it comes to falling in love – we want it to happen quickly and we want it to happen now! But there is a saying -“good things take time” and there is much truth in this simple statement. Often, we have to be patient and wait for the best things in life, including love.

This is the story of a girl who waited for love and realized it was well worth the wait.

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Unexpected love
I met my future husband just a couple years after I graduated college. Before I met him, I was living the typical single life of going out with my girlfriends and going on dates with guys set up by friends and coworkers or through a dating app. When I first met my husband, I didn’t know that he was going to be my person. We met through the church that we both attended and started getting to know each other through various activities within our small group.

It wasn’t until a couple months after we first met that I realized I was starting to crush on him and, after several well-strategized texts and hangouts, he asked me on our first date, and the rest is history.

Taking the leap
It’s interesting, falling in love. We only dated for a couple months before I knew I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. He, on the other hand, was a little slower in realizing his feelings. It’s that scary feeling of jumping head first into the unknown. You never know what’s at the bottom. Is it going to be something amazing and wonderful? Or is it going to end in hurt?

Finally, after a little more time of getting to know each other, we both realized that it was time to jump into the unknown and spend the rest of our lives together. And I’m so glad we did.

Marriage is such an incredible journey that you get to go through with your best friend. I’m so glad I didn’t settle for mediocrity and waited until I found the one whom my soul loves. Love is worth the wait.

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Navigating the waiting period of love can be confusing and difficult. If we don’t have people beside us to help us await love’s arrival, we can begin to feel lonely and desperate. But you don’t have to feel that way as you wait for your love to come along. We can be by your side as you walk through confusing and difficult times – talking out the difficulties and helping you not to settle for what is less than you deserve.

Let us wait with you.

The following story has been shared with us by a mother who was blessed beyond words by someone she didn’t know . . . someone who chose bravery and selflessness, and ultimately impacted an entire family, making them feel whole.

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On June 22^nd, 2015 I received a phone call that brought me to my knees. My daughter and I were in Colorado visiting my mother and step-father.  It was a warm day, so we decided to visit the neighborhood pool. I took a break from swimming to check my phone. My husband was traveling on business and I wanted to see if he had safely arrived to his destination. I did have a missed call, but it wasn’t my husband, it was our adoption caseworker. This surprised me. She was away at a conference and I didn’t expect to hear from her for the rest of the week. I called her back and she answered immediately. She skipped all pleasantries and simply said… “Jessica are you sitting down?”

My husband and I had been going through the adoption process for almost 2 years.  We were currently in the most difficult part of the process, the “hurry up and wait” stage. We had completed all the paperwork, home studies, classes, background checks, made our book and acquired all our letters of recommendation. Now all we could do was wait. Wait for a birth mother and/or a birth father to believe we were the right parents to raise their son or daughter. I’m not good at waiting. I’m a doer. A type A control freak even. Waiting was torture. Waiting allowed all the doubt to seep in and the questions would keep me up at night. “Why haven’t we been picked?” “What’s wrong with us?” “Did we focus on the right topics in our book?” “Are we too old?” “Are we too young?” At least with infertility treatments I had some control. Control to take more drugs, to try another cycle or to go to another doctor.  But all the medical treatments in the world wouldn’t bring us another child and I had finally accepted that reality. Through adoption we would grow our family and I had to simply have faith.

My caseworker proceeded to explain that we had been match with a birth mother and a birth father! Both families wanted to meet us as soon as possible! The birth mother was due in a month! My caseworker asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I remember yelling “of course” over the noise of children laughing and splashing in the water. “It’s a boy!” she yelled in response. I was already crying but this was the moment I fell to my knees. A little boy! I had dreams of holding a little boy in my arms. God had heard my prayers! I had just needed a little faith.

Three and half years later, fire trucks, airplanes, and transformers litter our house. Our son usually answers our questions with a T-Rex roar and a stomp. His infectious smile and dimples melt the heart of anyone he meets.  Our son completes our family and our hearts.  Adoption has blessed our family beyond our wildest dreams. What an amazing gift from above!

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No doubt, this is a beautiful story. But the heroine of this story is someone who will remain unnamed. She likely experienced upset, fear and loneliness. She had a very hard decision to make. One that wouldn’t be easy, nor one that would be made quickly.

But this heroine chose the brave route. She chose the hard road, knowing that it was best for her – both while she carried this child for another family, and also for her future self, knowing that she had given the greatest gift possible to someone she had never met.

Her bravery – her gift – is celebrated here!

Facing a similar dilemma in your own life? The unplanned and unexpected has happened, and now you aren’t sure what to do. Let us help you find your inner #BRAVE and walk with you the entire time! You aren’t alone on this journey.

The following article is written by Melissa Ohden, a supporter of Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid), an abortion-attempt survivor, and now a speaker and writer on this very important topic.

She has a unique perspective on the issue of what happens with an unplanned pregnancy. Her words here are spoken truly from her heart, and from a place few people have been. Yet she fully understands the turmoil of the mother with an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy.

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Romans 8:28 reminds us “that God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose.”

It’s an oft-quoted Bible verse, one that so many people find comfort and hope in, myself included, particularly in times of difficulty or distress. To know that in the midst of whatever storm we’re facing in life, God is working it all together for good is comforting, indeed.

God’s redemption and restoration in our lives, as blessed as it is, doesn’t just occur in a time-frame that is typically far outside of our expectations and wishes (let’s admit it—things either unfold much quicker than we had planned or much longer), but it also frequently doesn’t look anything like what we had planned for ourselves.

As I transparently share in my memoir, You Carried Me, my identity (and the pain that accompanied it) as an abortion survivor was a part of my life that I initially tried to run away from. Learning at the age of 14 that I survived a saline infusion abortion, which involves delivering a toxic salt solution into the amniotic fluid surrounding the preborn baby in the womb, poisoning the child to death before premature labor is ultimately induced, thereby expelling the deceased baby from the womb, was a horrific, life-changing, experience.

Looking back on the twenty-seven years that have passed since I first learned the truth about my survival, though, I now appreciate who God made me to be, survivor and all.

My identity is in Christ, through Christ. No circumstance about my life will change that.

That’s an important lesson for us all.

Admittedly, though, this is not what I expected my life to look like—from not only being an abortion survivor to being a speaker, writer and activist when my background was in teaching and social work, to living a life in the public eye when I’m a private and quiet person. However, I’m forever grateful that His plans for me were so much greater than anything that I could have imagined for myself.

His timing, His plans, may not always make sense at first glance, but I encourage you to trust that in the midst of whatever you’re experiencing, God is working things together for your good and the good of others in your life.

When I spoke at an Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid) banquet a number of years ago, my life looked quite different than it does now. What I know about my survival is dramatically different. The relationships with members of my biological family are also markedly changed. God has continued to unfold the storyline of my life in such a powerful way. And He’s doing likewise in yours, too.

We know God is the author of life, but remember, as an author, He’s not done writing!  

I’ve learned so many lessons along this journey of life, but as I look back on the last few years, I’d say this one is the most significant. I have continued to put my trust on God, time after time, but I’ll be honest. I didn’t foresee the extent to which He was still unfolding the story of my life. I didn’t understand the depths to which He planned for restoration and reconciliation in my life and the lives of my biological family.

“Would you like to meet your birthmother?” was a question that I remember Jim Daly or John Fuller asking me years ago. I can’t remember if we were even on the air when we had this conversation, but I remember the topic. “I would love to,” I replied, “but I continue to trust that it’s in God’s hands, and if He intends for it to happen, it will, in His way, and in His time.” Those were my words, but if you had read my heart at the time, my heart would have admitted that I didn’t think it was in His plans.

The battle to find her had been quite hard. The response of her family, indicating that my messages would not be passed along to her because they were estranged, felt like nails in the coffin of any future that we could have. And so my trust in His plans was half-hearted, at best. Because in reality, I needed to trust that He was working good in our lives, and that His plans are, indeed, always greater than what we have in mind.

Is there something in your life that you’re struggling to believe God is working good in right now? Is there something that you’re having trouble trusting Him to have great plans in restoring or a relationship in reconciling? Trust Him. Not half-heartedly, but whole.

Look where God has taken me! Not only did He save me from the abortion attempt that was meant to end my life, not only did He bless me with health, my amazing adoptive family, a purpose for serving His kingdom, and a family of my own, but He has redeemed and restored the broken pieces of my heart and life.

Since I first moved to Kansas City almost six years ago, now, I have been connected with a maternal cousin, my two maternal half sisters, a maternal aunt, and yes, even my biological mother! Even though much of the information that I learned about my survival and those responsible for it all was incredibly painful, God surrounded me with these amazing women who all love me, and have loved me all along.

No one but God could bring us all together and rewrite the narrative of our lives that began forty years ago when the abortion was forced upon my birthmother and the tangled web of sin and lies began to be weaved.

No one but God could bring about good in the midst of the suffering we have all experienced over the past four decades.

No one but God could unite us with the power of unconditional love and forgiveness.

Truly, what man intended for evil in our lives, God intended for good, as Genesis 50:20 reminds us.

Continue to trust in Him, and I know you will be blessed to see Him work His plans of restoration and reconciliation in your own life.

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If you have found yourself facing the unexpected, what you need most right now is the time to process, the time to learn, and a friend to walk alongside you, giving you time to figure out what your next steps are.

Here, you find no judgment, no agenda. We will simply give you answers, and be there for you.

If the unexpected has happened, take that first step and make an appointment to talk to us.

Like Melissa, who thought her story was shame-filled and couldn’t have any good to it, you may just begin to see the good in your story! We can help with that.