Category: Domestic Violence

“But he loves me”… “But I love him”… “But she loves me”… “But I love her”

These are words heard all too often from women and men who have become victims of domestic violence. In these cases, “love” has become a twisted game of power and control in the victim’s lives.

In a healthy relationship, there is trust, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, respect and communication. Above all, there are boundaries – both emotional and physical. One person in the relationship communicates their boundaries, and in return, the other respects these set boundaries.

In a relationship where there is no respect or value of your emotional and physical health, and boundaries have either never been set or are constantly violated and not respected, the victim finds it hard to stand strong against what they believe in for the sake of “love.”

Statistically, 80% of domestic violence comes from one person in the relationship;
20% from both people in the relationship.

A warped sense of love has been affected by the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse often loops from explosion, to a calm lull, to tension. The cycle is then repeated over and over by the abuser. Often, phrases such as, “I’m sorry, take me back” or occasionally, “This is all your fault. You need to do better!” are used to keep the cycle going. Don’t be deceived. Abusers will use many different things to control: sex, privilege, gifts (buying your affection and trust, big promises), technology (monitoring your calls, texts, Facebook, voicemail), intimidation (stalking, harassment), threats (“If you leave me I’ll _____,” “If you do this I’ll_____,”), your spiritual, emotional and physical well-being.

None of these things equal love.

In these moments, please consider what it is that you think you love about that person. Remember that actions speak louder than words and that these actions and words are being masked by manipulation and control, even if it seems to be the most loving of situations.

Remember the true definition of love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Things to remember if you find yourself in an abusive relationship
First, it’s not your fault! If you have dealt with a past trauma in your life, or struggled growing up in an abusive or neglectful home, it may have changed how you view yourself. You may feel that no one loves you, or that you don’t deserve to be loved or have true happiness. There is nothing farther from the truth. You have so much value and worth, and you are worthy of respect! You deserve so much better than this life you are living.
Take time to consider if you’re ready to be in a relationship. You may need to take some time to establish a stronger sense of identity before committing to a relationship. If you find yourself feeling insecure with being alone, without being in a relationship (feeling like this relationship is better than no relationship, your worth comes through being in a dating relationship, or you aren’t clear on what qualities you want in a person to date), then you need to take some time to process through all these things first. It may be time to break up if any of the following are true: you can’t be yourself, you feel dominated and controlled, you feel betrayed by their actions, you don’t feel physically or emotionally safe around them, you feel disrespected by them, they can’t respect your boundaries. As hard as it may be, your well-being and safety are the biggest priority.

---

At Two Lines (formerly Advice & Aid), we are here to talk with you and be a support system for you if you find yourself faced with a domestic violence situation. We can also provide you with professional counseling referrals and referrals for women to community organizations like Safehome or Rose Brooks.

You are not alone, and there is help through this crisis.

What is stealthing?
A new sexual trend called “stealthing” has seen an increase in occurrence as well as awareness in the community. Stealthing is non-consensual removal of a condom during consensual sex. Men secretly remove the condom during intercourse, without the knowledge or consent of their partner, and it is an extremely dangerous practice. When not using a condom, the risk of becoming pregnant or acquiring a STI or STD becomes a very real possibility. It is a matter of public health risk due to spreading sexually transmitted infections such as HIV, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and many others.

Bragging Rights
Social media postings have encouraged men to stealth their partner. Some men have even argued they have the right to “spread one’s seed” and brag of the practice of stealthing their partner online.

A Criminal Offense?
The Columbia Journal of Gender and Law recently published an article on this practice. Though the law is not clear on this practice, it could be considered a form of sexual assault. Stealthing could also violate several civil & criminal laws as the non-consenting person is violated and would be considered a possible sexual assault victim. In January 2017, a Swiss court convicted a man of stealthing. It was argued and found to be that the woman would not have consented to sex with her partner if he had not worn a condom, so therefore he violated her rights and betrayed her trust.  The act of stealthing was determined to be a blatant violation of trust with the sex partner.

Emotional & Physical Harm
Victims of stealthing may experience the same type of emotional, physical and financial harm that stems from other more clearly defined violent sex acts. This practice may also lead to a new definition of legal consent.

The more information you have, the more you can protect yourself! Be informed and be aware.
(Click for additional information from USA Today on stealthing)

---

If you – or someone you know – suspects that you might be a victim of stealthing, it’s absolutely critical that you are tested immediately, both for pregnancy and for STI or STD. Many STIs seem fairly harmless, but can have long-term and severe consequences if not dealt with immediately.

It’s also important to know that you have someone you can talk to if you have been a victim of stealthing.  Each person that walks through our doors receives the help of an Advocate; someone who will listen, guide and stay with you as long as you need them to.

For more information on STIs/STDs, check out this article.

Last week, we wrote about the definitions of sexual assault and rape, especially as it relates to activities on college campuses. We also listed helpful tips for both men and women to be able to spot – or hopefully even stop – an assault.

For the full article, visit here.

---

This week, we take a look at safety tips to help you be aware of your surroundings, thus reducing the risk of a sexual assault. We also share helpful thoughts on what to do if you are sexually assaulted, and where to go for help.

The information shared here could save you – or a friend – the trauma of being sexually assaulted. Share them with everyone you know!

Safety Tips

General campus safety is also very important, and it extends into basic things like walking to class, and to your car. Whether it’s during the day, or late at night, it’s important to be alert and aware of your surroundings at all times. Be proactive so that you don’t make yourself an easy target. Travel in numbers. Walk with confidence. Plan your routes in advance. Stay alert.

The following safety tips were taken in part from an article located on the Kansas State University website. Full article found here.

*  Walk with a friend you know well, especially at night

*  Learn the location of campus safety phones

*  If available on your college campus, call for a campus escort

*  Watch your body language: Look confident and look people in the eye

*  If your instincts tell you something’s wrong, trust them – and get away

*  Cross the street if you see a suspicious person coming toward you

*  If you’re being followed, head for a public place and ask for help

*  Stay alert. Don’t talk on your cell phone, text, or listen to music, when walking by yourself or on your way to your car

*  Stick to well-lit and well-traveled sidewalks

*  Don’t take shortcuts through parking lots, alleys, or wooded areas.

*  Hold your keys in your fist as you walk to your vehicle

*  Check to see that no one is in the back seat of your car.

*  Never leave your car unlocked, even for the few minutes it may take you to return a movie, buy milk, and so forth. Attackers may lie in wait for such an opportunity.

What to do if you’re sexually assaulted

*  Get to a safe place for your protection

*  Get medical attention immediately. The primary purpose of medical examinations is to check for physical injury, the presence of sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy as a result of the assault. The secondary purpose of the medical examination is to aid in the police investigation and legal proceedings.

*  Don’t bathe or douche. Bathing or douching might be the first thing you want to do. This would literally be washing away valuable evidence. Wait until you have a medical examination.

*  Save your clothing. It is all right to change clothes, but save what you were wearing. Place each item of clothing in a separate paper bag and save for the police. Your clothing could be used as evidence for prosecution.

*  Report the incident to the police. It is up to you, but reporting is not the same thing as prosecution. Prosecution can be determined later.

* Contact your victim support resources. If you are a victim of sexual assault, please secure medical attention and supporting agencies even if you decided not to contact the police.

Where to go for help

Talk to a professional counselor to get the emotional help that you need due to the trauma. Many sexual assault cases go unreported because the victim fears retaliation or possible humiliation if word gets around she/he has been the victim of a sex offense. Victims tend to feel guilty as though they did something to bring it on themselves and often keep the incident to themselves or share some of the incident with a close friend. While this might be helpful in the immediate sense, we encourage you to talk to a knowledgeable counselor about your reactions to being victimized. The services that are provided both on and off campus are available to all victims of violent acts and are designed to assist in overcoming the trauma of the attack.

Decide NO and take action NOW.

You have a right to be safe. Communicate your concerns to a friend or parent or contact your local campus police, college officials, or counselors.

Be an active bystander if someone you KNOW is being sexually abused.

*  Help the victim by encouraging them to get help and let them know you will help them

*  Safely intervene to point out unacceptable behavior

*  Ask a college official for help. You can make a positive difference in someone’s life.

* Encourage the victim to contact counselors for emotional assistance and guidance.

*  Encourage the victim to go to the police for safety and help

The above information was taken from Johnson County Community College’s website located here.

College life brings with it a variety of different situations, both academic and social. Whether you’re in your dorm, apartment, out with friends, at a party off campus, out on a date, or at a sorority or fraternity party, it’s important to know how to keep yourself safe, and how to avoid and prevent sexual assault and attempted sexual assault. By being well informed, and making smart choices about your safety in all situations, you can be better prepared, and hopefully avoid becoming a victim of sexual assault.

What is sexual assault?

The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:

*  Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape
*  Attempted rape
*  Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body
*  Fondling or unwanted sexual touching

What is rape?

Rape is one type, but not all sexual assault is considered rape. The term rape is often used as a legal definition to specifically include sexual penetration without consent. For a more detailed definition of rape, defined by the FBI, click here.

— 1 in every 6 women have been the victim of an attempted or completed rape

— Approximately 90% of rape and sexual assault victims knew their attacker prior to the assault

— 90% of all acquaintance rapes involve alcohol

For full article on statistics, click here.

The following tips are courtesy of UMKC; Crime Prevention Tips.
To visit the full site, click here.

WOMEN:

*  Be aware ahead of time of your own sexual intentions and limits. Know that you always have the right to say “No” to any unwanted sexual contact. If you feel unsure about what you want, don’t hesitate to ask the man to respect your feelings.

*  Communicate your limits firmly and directly. If you say “No,” say it like you mean it. Don’t give mixed messages. Back up your words with a firm tone of voice and clear body language.

*  Don’t rely on “ESP” to get your message across. Don’t assume that your date will automatically know how you feel, or will eventually “get the message” without your having to tell him.

*  Remember that some men think that drinking, dressing provocatively, or going to a man’s room indicates a willingness to have sex. Be especially careful to communicate your limits and intentions clearly in such situations.

*  Listen to your gut feelings. If you feel uncomfortable or think you may be at risk, leave the situation immediately and go to a safe place.

*  Don’t be afraid to “make waves” if you feel threatened. If you feel you are being pressured or coerced into sexual activity against your will, don’t hesitate to state your feelings and get out of the situation. Better a few minutes of social awkwardness or embarrassment than the trauma of sexual assault.

*  Attend large parties with friends you can trust.  Agree to “look out” for one another. Try to leave with a group, rather than alone or with someone you don’t know very well.

MEN:

*  Listen carefully. Take the time to hear what the woman is saying. If you feel she is not being direct or is giving you a “mixed message”, ask for clarification.

*  Don’t fall for the common stereotype that when a woman says “No” she really means “Yes.” “No” means “No.” If a woman says “No” to sexual contact, believe her and stop.

*  Remember that date rape is a crime. It is never acceptable to use force in sexual situations, no matter what the circumstances.

*  Don’t make assumptions about a woman’s behavior. Don’t automatically assume that a woman wants to have sex just because she is drinking, dresses provocatively, or agrees to go to your room. Don’t assume that just because a woman has had sex with you previously she is willing to have sex with you again. Also don’t assume that just because a woman consents to kissing or other sexual intimacies she is willing to have sexual intercourse.

*  Be aware that having sex with someone who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent is rape. If you have sex with a woman who is drugged, intoxicated, passed out, incapable of saying “No,” or unaware of what is happening around her, you may be guilty of rape.

*  Be especially careful in group situations. Be prepared to resist pressure from friends to participate in violent or criminal acts.

*  “Get involved” if you believe someone is at risk. If you see a woman in trouble at a party or a male friend using force or pressuring a woman, don’t be afraid to intervene. You may save the woman from the trauma of sexual assault and your friend from the ordeal of criminal prosecution.

 Next week, our blog will cover general campus safety and
what to do if you are attacked.

---

If you, or someone you know, is a victim of sexual assault of any kind, it’s important that you have a trained professional that you can confide in to help you with your next steps. This is a traumatic and life-altering experience, and we can help. Call us on our 24-hour hotline at 913.962.0200 or set up an appointment immediately by visiting our Schedule Page (located here).